This kind of repetitive style seems to be hard to pull of successfully, but I think you've done a great job. Also, I think the order is better this way, with Watson's emotional, let's say normal POV being the first. That's the canonical order as well, isn't it? We learn of the tangible events through Watson's sympathy and confusion, and only later hear what schemes Holmes has been cooking in the background.

And the UST is delicious. Especially from Holmes' POV.